"Were you there?"
-President Bush, to Maria Bartiromo on whether she attended a CNBC/MSNBC Republican presidential debate that she cohosted
"We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say."
As if Miami Dolphins fans weren’t having a hard enough time dealing with the 2007 NFL season that currently boasts a 0-6 record. The squad just traded away arguably their best player on the offensive side of the ball for a 2008 second round draft pick; I am of course referring to wide receiver Chris Chambers. Luckily for Miami supporters it has been reported that the team has also received a bag of magic beans for the wide receiver out of Wisconsin making this transaction quite possibly the best move in the history of sports. Dolphin General Manager Randy Mueller has said that the sad excuse for a professional football team will plant the acquired magic beans in hopes of following in “Jack’s” footprints up the beanstalk. The team will then climb the massive plant to speak with the Giant at the top about suiting up for the team in the 2008 season. Where else can you find a 13-foot, 9-inch, 615 pound man that can reportedly run a 4.7 forty-yard dash? The only real problem for the team from South Florida is finding a jock strap large enough to protect the Giant’s family jewels.
y from the United States as pay, etc. There has also been some anxiety inside the establishment regarding whether or not Mr. Giant will be able to control his natural desire to grind the bones of the Dolphin’s Englishmen to make his bread.
Well it's official, the beginning of the end of social security as we know it started yesterday as Kathleen Casey-Kirschling became the first baby boomer to apply for social security benefits. Mrs. Kirschling is the earliest member of the generation that historians say officially began on January 1, 1946. When it is all said and done an estimated 10,000 boomers a day will become eligible for the perks over the next 20 years. That’s right folks, 10,000 people per day over the next two decades who have paid less into the system plus get to retire earlier then the rest of us will be sucking the social security account dry until the year 2041 when the last penny will have been given away. This is sad sad news for everyone who is born after 1966 because unless the government can figure out how to make the problem go away they will have basically thrown thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain.
iming their advertising at the younger generation instead going after the old geezers. What a great idea that would both benefit the largest tobacco producer in the United States and the rest of us sorry saps that have to give our money over to a generation that has grown old enough to have a better chance at killing a teenager in a car accident then bettering society in any way shape or form. Heck, I’ll even give the tobacco companies their first slogan to lure in the over-sixty crowd: “Cigs, the new Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.” Wow, I am going to be rich $$$$$$$$.
The high court of the United States came to a 6-3 decision to give the Nobel Peace Prize to George W. Bush instead of Al Gore in an unprecedented move, because he deserved it more. Al Gore was very emotional that his political plan to exaggerate the truth in hopes of gaining popularity and money was crushed. Bush was content with the decision. He said at least now we can concentrate on saving people from war and other conflict, rather than placing our energy worrying about saving the planet from exaggerated claims.
led in a fuel inefficient jet from Nashville to San Francisco and then traveled in a non-hybrid, Lincoln from San Francisco to Camarillo. That adds up to an amazing 55,000 pounds of carbon!! To put this in perspective you could travel to San Francisco from Nashville in a station wagon 15 times to match the damage that Al Gore did to the planet. Sean Hannity found that there are 112 commercial alternatives that Al Gore could have used that would have been more environmental friendly. Why wasn't this headline news? George W. Bush shouldn't win the Nobel Peace Prize for his attempts against Global Warming, but would he be any less qualified than Al Gore?
The NCAA has decided to try to put an end to head coaches acting like two-year-old girls on the basketball sideline for the upcoming 2007-2008 season. On the eve of the day basketball practices can begin for both men and women’s NCAA teams across the country, the leading collegiate athletic association has announced that technical fouls will be issued to bench participants more freely. Some infractions that will warrant a technical foul without warning include disrespectfully addressing an official or attempting to influence an official's decision, using abusive or profane language, taunting an opponent, inciting undesirable crowd reactions and coming onto the court without permission of an official to attend to an injured player. The college association also has given extra incentive to officials that are consistent with giving out penalties for such behavior.
Now women are really stuck between a keg and barrel. Just when you thought you were doing your heart a favor by drinking a glass of red wine, new research surfaces that suggests alcohol and breast cancer are linked. Researchers at Kaiser Permanente discovered that women who consume 1-2 drinks a day are 10 percent more likely to acquire breast cancer. For women who live by the motto that "1 is alright, 2 is two many, and 3 is not enough," they better stop at 3 because even 3 drinks a day raises your risk of breast cancer by 30 percent. The researchers also found that the type of alcohol was irrelevant, only the amount consumed applied. Thus, women are left to decide whether they want to risk heart disease or breast cancer. It should be noted that women are 6 times more likely to die from heart disease than breast cancer. My advise to women: enjoy a glass of red wine, but be disciplined and don't drink from the bottle. Cheers!
While on the 2008 presidential campaign trail, Hillary Clinton made a stop in Webster City, Iowa this week which happened to be the location in which the democratic nominee hopeful unveiled her plan to essentially give $1,000 to every married couple that makes less than $60,000 per year to use in a 401(k) sort of investment scheme. This plan also included a gift from the government of $500 per year to married couples who make between $60,000 and $100,000 in one orbit around the sun. She did also say there would be a similar plan for single citizens but it would involve less money. The arrangement requires a dollar-for-dollar match of the lower income couples first $1,000 while a fifty-cent for every dollar contribution from the wealthier couples. By her own calculation, the plan would cost about $25 billion every single year; yes that’s billion with a b. This plan, to me at least, reeks of problems. First of all I still don’t get why democrats think they can handle our money better than we can. If a democrat is elected to the White House next November the Bush tax-cuts we have been enjoying the past couple of years will no doubt be one of the first things out the window to help pay for this idea that American’s can’t figure out how to save enough of their own money to retire comfortably. Instead we will pay more taxes into a pool of money that will essentially be redistributed to those married couples that make less than $100,000 per year to be used for retirement. What is wrong with letting us keep our money to spend or save it as we wish? Clinton does say that it will be a voluntary plan meaning you don’t have to benefit but you can still pay, how nice of her. I’m sure congress wouldn’t mind using that extra money to okay another pay-raise for themselves.
In Greenville, Maine a dog has reportedly saved a family from a fire that the cat initiated. The suspect, who goes by the name Princess, is thought to have started the blaze when she knocked over a kerosene lantern according to the Fire Marshal Investigator. Princess tried to blame it on the dog, but friendly purrsuasion didn't succeed this time. Rocky, the dog made a smooth move, and awoke the sleeping owner Roland Cole by grabbing his arm. Roland Cole then alerted his wife, and 7 year old grandson who all walked away unharmed. When asked how he wanted to be rewarded for his feats, Rocky said he wants it to rain bones.
Training for an ultra marathon or just lost? Regardless, Rocky is one incredible dog. About a year ago, the dog ran away from his original owner , Becky Candia, in Ogden, Utah. That is when he took the rocky road in hopes of finding the perfect tree. The dog was first discovered by a woman in San Diego, California who contacted Candia and arranged for the dog to be picked up. But then just like Rocky the woman disappeared, and she muttered nothing. Just recently Rocky was discovered by Colleen and Marty Salgado in El Paso, Texas and was finally returned home. It's too bad Rocky couldn't have swallowed his pride and asked for directions.
The mayor of Atlantic City, Robert Levy, has been found! No, he wasn't forced from the city for losing a bet, he's been playing the slots from his residence. His lawyer has reported that he checked into Somerset County Clinic, which is known for its treatment of substance abuse and mental health problems. What is this man thinking? I think people who go to a psychologist should have their heads examined. Maybe the citizens should follow suit for electing this character. It is not expected that Mayor Levy is going to return to city hall.
The entire baseball community is celebrating today! Yes, it's true, the Yankees have been eliminated from the MLB playoffs by the Cleveland Indians. It's being speculated that Jim Torre, who brought the Yankees back to their 50s prominence, is most likely gone after yet another early playoff exit. This report is bogus, Steinbrenner was lying, couldn't you tell his lips were moving? What's next? Well you can be assured that the Yankees will probably try to increase their already major league leading payroll. Someone needs to tell Steinbrenner that it's OK to go after cheaper players. Going after the 25 million Mr. April Alex Rodriguez's of the world doesn't always produce a championship team. Note to the boss, "Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you." Go Tribe!
This one out of Chicago made me sweat. Over 300 people were treated yesterday at the annual Chicago Marathon for heat related symptoms. The marathon was canceled mid race by race officials due to the dangerous conditions that included one fatality. It must have been difficult for officials to differentiate the sick from the fatigued. Isn't a sick man and a marathon runner one in the same? Police officers used bullhorns to warn the runner's to slow down and walk. It is now a crime to run in Chicago, and we wonder why we have an obesity problem.
Craig Ventor has produced the first form of life ever created from lab chemicals. He has produced a synthetic chromosome that contains the characteristics of life. He is expected to announce his scientific breakthrough in the near future. The DNA sequence is based on bacterium mycoplasma genitalium, which lives on primate genitals. Just what we need, more monkey's itching themselves. This breakthrough in science is unbelievable. I support advancements in science that could be beneficial to society (it may be possible to create bacteria that could combat global warming among other things, even my unimpressive face), but is this ethical? Do you think life forms should be created from a test tube?
Moving on to a young man that uses his talents for good, 8-year-old Carson Page has landed a job evaluating software for Actel, a Silicon Valley company. Ever since the third-grader could talk he has shared an intense interest in electronics with his father. Actel was very impressed with Carson’s ability to point out its upcoming software’s strengths, weaknesses, and even how it stacked up to it’s competitors. Now, this is what I call news. Not only is this kid’s ability amazing but he and his parents seem very level headed about the whole thing. His parents want him to participate in activities with kids his own age, stay in his own grade for now, and have decided not to accept offers to enroll him in college courses citing the fact that many child “prodigies” before him stay in their own little world, never developing socially. These are the type of parents we need more of in this world, what a refreshing article. Way back when I was a young stud, I myself was quite the brain. Let’s just say I thought up the whole internet and global warming fads well before that Al Gore character was even twinkle in Mr. and Mrs. Gore’s eyes. I just never had all the resources to get it all published like Big Al. Has anyone else noticed that the bigger the “hole” in the ozone layer gets the bigger Al Gore gets? Just a thought, but man those private jets Big Al uses to fly around to his overpriced speeches used to educate all of us unfortunate inhabitants of the condemned planet Earth must have a hemi to get that fatty into the air. The way I look at it that big black book all you religious peeps love to read says that man cannot destroy the Earth, so what it really comes down to is who is more trustworthy, a man who’s married to a woman by the name of Tipper or the creator of the universe? I’ll let you decide.
In a story coming out of Dumas, Arkansas it seems that a 10-year-old whipper-snapper stole one of them big yellow buses that cart little boys and girls to school. The delinquent was able to elude officers for 44 miles including road spikes that were set up in an attempt to slow the bus. To make the story even better the young man was traveling at an astounding 25 miles per hour without the cops figuring out that the person responsible for the crime was 6 years away from meeting the age requirement to attain his drivers license. The kid was arrested and later released to his parents to take him home for some real punishment, or at least Poo certainly hopes so. That’s the problem with society today; kids don’t get beat nearly as often or hard as they should. I don’t have any children myself (or at least none that I know of) but boy oh boy if this guy was my kid you know what big bad Poo would do? Well, I’m not going to tell you because the last thing I need is the cops knocking on an old, single man’s door for something I wrote in my blog about children while they should be figuring out a better way to stop 10-year-olds from successfully operating the heist of a school bus. While there at it maybe the police down in Dumas can form some sort of arrangement in which they can discontinue a bus traveling at an embarrassing speed of 25 mph, let alone while it is being operated by a human being that has yet to hit puberty. Seriously, how difficult is it for a bunch of men in blue who are supposedly trained to handle almost every situation imaginable to stop a big arse can of tin on wheels that is going the speed limit!?
Can you believe it? Marion Jones has admitted that she took anabolic steroids during a two year period starting in 1999. Yes, this means she was doping when she won three gold and two bronze medals at the Sydney Olympics in 2000. She has more testosterone in her than Hillary Clinton. It isn't hard to tell that there was something suspicious going on after viewing a clip from 2000. If she wouldn't have stopped usage after a couple years you may be hearing her name in the running for the next Mr. Universe.
Now, here is a good story for your weekend! A Czech couple decided to get a DNA test performed to prove that they were indeed the biological parents of their child. The couple decided to conduct a DNA test after local pub goers continually ridiculed them that the child they boasted as their own wasn't. The couple, both blonde's, were harassed, because the child has black hair. Everyone was surprised though, when it was discovered that neither of the parents matched the child's DNA. It is speculated that there was a mix-up at the hospital. I'll have a whisky old-fashioned to that!
Today I thought I found the solution I had been looking for all these years when I read a headline in the prestigious Northwest Florida Daily News that read, “Porn Sunday: Coast Community Church Joins National Campaign”. As you can imagine this really perked my enthusiasm because it combined two things every man loves, his church and his big-chested, naked women. Boy was I disappointed when I went on to read that the Coast Community Church in Gulf Breeze, Florida was joining about 100 other churches across the country to talk about the dangers of pornography this Sunday. Dangers of porn? Now those are two words I never thought I would hear together.
an wants to reach over the fence for a foul ball that happens to be heading right for the glove of a member of his beloved Cubbies, destroying Moises Alou’s chances of getting the north-siders to within four outs of their first World Series trip in 58 years. I thought this country of ours was free gall darn it, the man wants the ball, let the man get the ball! Mariotti ends his column by warning Barty-boy to never return to Wrigley Field again. I say, Steve, go out there, buy a ticket to your seat that no one sits in anymore, and to really make things show ‘em you ain’t no wimp and wear one of them “Go to Hell Bartman” t-shirts. Whew, October has just started and I’m already salivating at the thought of all those little people coming to my door looking for candy.
