Thursday, October 18, 2007

President Bush, Hillary Clinton and Other Political Quotes

"I have a million ideas. The country can't afford them all."

-Hillary Clinton, explaining her presidential agenda



"Were you there?"

-President Bush, to Maria Bartiromo on whether she attended a CNBC/MSNBC Republican presidential debate that she cohosted





















"We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say."

-Ann Coulter, explaining why it would be better if we were all Christian



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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

How to Eat a Healthy Breakfast


I'm not sure if you've heard, but Hardees is at it again. This time it's the Country Breakfast Burrito. Don't be fooled, it's name may not demand the attention of the monster thickburger, but this is no muggle. This artery roadblock boasts an amazing 920 calories and 60 grams of fat (65 grams of fat is the recommended daily value for a 2000 calorie diet)!! Breakfast is an imperative part of a healthy lifestyle, but it has to be healthy. If you're going to eat breakfast at Hardees, then you should be prepared for a sluggish day. If the benefits of eating a healthy breakfast weren't already well known, a study in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association found that people who eat breakfast are less likely to be overweight and are more likely to exercise.

A healthy breakfast should contain lean protein and fiber rich carbs. Eggs, milk, cheese, yogurt, and cottage cheese are all great sources of lean protein. Eggs are a healthy option, however they contain a large amount of cholesterol. If you consume more than one egg, maybe consider discarding the cholesterol heavy yolk of the second egg. Lean proteins are digested very slowly by the body, therefore leaving you satisfied until lunch. Also include whole grain breads and cereals, and/or whole fruit, which also require more time to digest. Avoid heavily sugared cereals or other simple carbohydrates such as poptarts. Orange juice is not a bad decision, but an orange would be better, due to its high fiber content. If you choose Orange Juice than make sure it's sugar free. My favorite breakfast includes: an egg sandwich on whole wheat with an orange. This provides both lean protein and fiber rich carbs. Other great choices include a smoothie, and whole grain cereal with fruit and milk. If time is a factor, multi grain bars and fruit are fast healthy options. Eating a healthy breakfast requires extra time, and should be relaxed and enjoyed. Strive to wake 10 minutes earlier to allow yourself enough time to prepare and enjoy a meal, so you're not left reaching for the donuts at work.

Miami Dolphins Trade Away Pro Bowl Wide Receiver to Lock Up 2009 Super Bowl Title

As if Miami Dolphins fans weren’t having a hard enough time dealing with the 2007 NFL season that currently boasts a 0-6 record. The squad just traded away arguably their best player on the offensive side of the ball for a 2008 second round draft pick; I am of course referring to wide receiver Chris Chambers. Luckily for Miami supporters it has been reported that the team has also received a bag of magic beans for the wide receiver out of Wisconsin making this transaction quite possibly the best move in the history of sports. Dolphin General Manager Randy Mueller has said that the sad excuse for a professional football team will plant the acquired magic beans in hopes of following in “Jack’s” footprints up the beanstalk. The team will then climb the massive plant to speak with the Giant at the top about suiting up for the team in the 2008 season. Where else can you find a 13-foot, 9-inch, 615 pound man that can reportedly run a 4.7 forty-yard dash? The only real problem for the team from South Florida is finding a jock strap large enough to protect the Giant’s family jewels.

The Giant is expected to play on both sides of the ball playing both middle linebacker and will be creating giant-sized holes for running back Ronnie Brown at the fullback position. Coach Cam Cameron is also considering having Mr. Giant return kickoffs and punts as his large frame will be quite difficult to bring to the turf. There are a few questions that have been popping up around the organization concerning the signing of the Giant. These include his age, where he played his college ball, if he will accept currency from the United States as pay, etc. There has also been some anxiety inside the establishment regarding whether or not Mr. Giant will be able to control his natural desire to grind the bones of the Dolphin’s Englishmen to make his bread.

No matter the end result of this trade it is safe to say that giving up the pro bowl receiver that has 405 catches for 5,688 yards in 100 games for Miami was a splendid idea that can almost assuredly not only give the Dolphins a 2008 second round pick and a bag of magic beans that will turn into a path leading the team to the greatest football player of all time, but will also lock up the number one overall pick in next year’s NFL draft. Remember you heard it at poosnews.com first; the 2009 Super Bowl Champions will be none other than the Miami Dolphins.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Solution to Our Social Security Headache

Well it's official, the beginning of the end of social security as we know it started yesterday as Kathleen Casey-Kirschling became the first baby boomer to apply for social security benefits. Mrs. Kirschling is the earliest member of the generation that historians say officially began on January 1, 1946. When it is all said and done an estimated 10,000 boomers a day will become eligible for the perks over the next 20 years. That’s right folks, 10,000 people per day over the next two decades who have paid less into the system plus get to retire earlier then the rest of us will be sucking the social security account dry until the year 2041 when the last penny will have been given away. This is sad sad news for everyone who is born after 1966 because unless the government can figure out how to make the problem go away they will have basically thrown thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain.
There are a couple of ideas that have been kicked around to help extend the life of the social security program. These thoughts include not allowing the elderly to retire until a later age and to raise social security tax. Raising the social security tax would really mean that the generations beyond the baby boomers would have to pay even more money while seeing little to no benefits because it is not a viable answer. The proposal to push back the age at which citizens qualify for social security benefits is not a perfect answer but is one of the better ones that have been thought up since the problem came up. Another option is for individuals to privatize their own separate social security accounts where the government invests the social security dollars you pay towards your own benefits. This has been thus far the best idea because it holds individuals responsible for their own level of comfort after they have decided they are too old to work for a living.
Whatever the government decides, that is if they ever decide to do anything about the social security problem, the baby boomers are about to get paid. The average member of this generation will get paid much more then they paid into the program making them a lucky generation when it comes to retirement. We can only hope that boomers take up smoking which would not only increase government revenue from the additional taxes placed on cancer sticks but also would kill off the largest generation thus far in American history. This is not at all a death threat towards the boomers but I think any economist would agree that the earlier they die, the better off the social security system would be. This being said, I believe that Philip Morris should stop aiming their advertising at the younger generation instead going after the old geezers. What a great idea that would both benefit the largest tobacco producer in the United States and the rest of us sorry saps that have to give our money over to a generation that has grown old enough to have a better chance at killing a teenager in a car accident then bettering society in any way shape or form. Heck, I’ll even give the tobacco companies their first slogan to lure in the over-sixty crowd: “Cigs, the new Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.” Wow, I am going to be rich $$$$$$$$.

Gore wins Nobel Peace Prize; High Court May Give It to Bush After Nine Inconvenient Untruths Revealed

The high court of the United States came to a 6-3 decision to give the Nobel Peace Prize to George W. Bush instead of Al Gore in an unprecedented move, because he deserved it more. Al Gore was very emotional that his political plan to exaggerate the truth in hopes of gaining popularity and money was crushed. Bush was content with the decision. He said at least now we can concentrate on saving people from war and other conflict, rather than placing our energy worrying about saving the planet from exaggerated claims.

No, George W. Bush was not awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, but should Al Gore have won the award? This question needs to be raised in response to Justice Burton stating that Gore's praised documentary was found to contain nine inconvenient untruths. Yes, that is correct, he exaggerated facts to win the Nobel Peace Prize. It should be noted that Al Gore's mansion uses more than twice the electricity in a month that the average household uses in a year! Yes, this is the man who is leading the fight against global warming. On the other hand, President George W. Bush, uses geothermal heat pumps to heat and cool his crawford ranch, which uses about 25 percent the energy that traditional heating and cooling systems use.

Al Gore, the top gun against golbal warming, also travels in a fuel inefficient jet. It has been reported that Gore traveled in a fuel inefficient jet from Nashville to San Francisco and then traveled in a non-hybrid, Lincoln from San Francisco to Camarillo. That adds up to an amazing 55,000 pounds of carbon!! To put this in perspective you could travel to San Francisco from Nashville in a station wagon 15 times to match the damage that Al Gore did to the planet. Sean Hannity found that there are 112 commercial alternatives that Al Gore could have used that would have been more environmental friendly. Why wasn't this headline news? George W. Bush shouldn't win the Nobel Peace Prize for his attempts against Global Warming, but would he be any less qualified than Al Gore?

Monday, October 15, 2007

To Celebrate or Not To Celebrate Favre's New Record?


Yesterday arguably the greatest quarterback of all time added yet another record to his storied career. Although maybe not as glamorous as all of his other feats, Brett Favre passed George Blanda with his 278th pass thrown to the wrong team. Sean Taylor of the Washington Redskins was the lucky recipient of the record setting throw. This may seem to most people as something to be embarrassed about but on the contrary, having the title of most intercepted quarterback in the history of the NFL is somewhat of an honor. Not only has the gun-slinger from Mississippi been around long enough to throw 279 interceptions but has also been continually trusted in giving his team the best chance to win while at quarterback despite the turnovers. Favre’s many interceptions can be attributed to the same trait that has made him so great; his style of taking big risks that has more often than not yielded big rewards. In this day in age when injuries, especially to quarterbacks, are so common no one will probably ever come close to breaking the interception record. I say everyone stand up and applaud Brett for the not so flattering record because it attests to his longevity, toughness, and to how much the fans of Green Bay love #4.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Note to NCAA Basketball Coaches: No More Babies on the Bench

The NCAA has decided to try to put an end to head coaches acting like two-year-old girls on the basketball sideline for the upcoming 2007-2008 season. On the eve of the day basketball practices can begin for both men and women’s NCAA teams across the country, the leading collegiate athletic association has announced that technical fouls will be issued to bench participants more freely. Some infractions that will warrant a technical foul without warning include disrespectfully addressing an official or attempting to influence an official's decision, using abusive or profane language, taunting an opponent, inciting undesirable crowd reactions and coming onto the court without permission of an official to attend to an injured player. The college association also has given extra incentive to officials that are consistent with giving out penalties for such behavior.
In my opinion this has been something that should have been taken care of years ago. It is all too familiar of a scene to see a man that is hired to teach young men how to play a game acting like monkeys on the sidelines when an official makes a call that in unbeneficial for the particular coach. Coaches such as Bobby Knight and Mike Krzyzewski have been notorious for language that would even make Eminem blush. Not only is this behavior immature for men who are paid handsomely but it also sets a terrible example for their players and anyone who can read lips half-way decent. I can understand that these men aren’t perfect, there will be times when coaches, with high expectations to win, lose their cool. However, this behavior is exploited far more than it should while referees have let it slip over the past several decades. It will be interesting to see how the NCAA game officials respond to their new responsibility. I applaud the NCAA for setting a firm guideline in an attempt to eliminate such embarrassing behavior on the benches of college basketball courts, now if only they could get the whole college football postseason thing figured out. I guess we can only expect the cash-cow that is the National Collegiate Athletic Association to do one task at a time.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Drinking Red Wine May Increase Risk for Breast Cancer

Now women are really stuck between a keg and barrel. Just when you thought you were doing your heart a favor by drinking a glass of red wine, new research surfaces that suggests alcohol and breast cancer are linked. Researchers at Kaiser Permanente discovered that women who consume 1-2 drinks a day are 10 percent more likely to acquire breast cancer. For women who live by the motto that "1 is alright, 2 is two many, and 3 is not enough," they better stop at 3 because even 3 drinks a day raises your risk of breast cancer by 30 percent. The researchers also found that the type of alcohol was irrelevant, only the amount consumed applied. Thus, women are left to decide whether they want to risk heart disease or breast cancer. It should be noted that women are 6 times more likely to die from heart disease than breast cancer. My advise to women: enjoy a glass of red wine, but be disciplined and don't drink from the bottle. Cheers!

Hillary Clinton Wants to Give Married Couples, College Students, Tax Payers Money

While on the 2008 presidential campaign trail, Hillary Clinton made a stop in Webster City, Iowa this week which happened to be the location in which the democratic nominee hopeful unveiled her plan to essentially give $1,000 to every married couple that makes less than $60,000 per year to use in a 401(k) sort of investment scheme. This plan also included a gift from the government of $500 per year to married couples who make between $60,000 and $100,000 in one orbit around the sun. She did also say there would be a similar plan for single citizens but it would involve less money. The arrangement requires a dollar-for-dollar match of the lower income couples first $1,000 while a fifty-cent for every dollar contribution from the wealthier couples. By her own calculation, the plan would cost about $25 billion every single year; yes that’s billion with a b. This plan, to me at least, reeks of problems. First of all I still don’t get why democrats think they can handle our money better than we can. If a democrat is elected to the White House next November the Bush tax-cuts we have been enjoying the past couple of years will no doubt be one of the first things out the window to help pay for this idea that American’s can’t figure out how to save enough of their own money to retire comfortably. Instead we will pay more taxes into a pool of money that will essentially be redistributed to those married couples that make less than $100,000 per year to be used for retirement. What is wrong with letting us keep our money to spend or save it as we wish? Clinton does say that it will be a voluntary plan meaning you don’t have to benefit but you can still pay, how nice of her. I’m sure congress wouldn’t mind using that extra money to okay another pay-raise for themselves.
This proposal comes a week after the former first lady unveiled the idea to give every child born in the United States a $5,000 bond to use either for college or for a down payment on a house. In other words not only is the generation born after the baby-boomers not going to get any social security from the account they have been and will be paying into for their whole lives, but they would also be paying $5,000 to every offspring that happened to come into the world on American soil, including that of illegal immigrants. The all-too-possible, soon to be wicked witch of the west wing has since retracted this awful thought only to come up with the dandy that is described in the first paragraph.
Another reason that her new inspiration to take away our freedom to spend our money as we may is nothing short of brainless in the fact that it is only for married couples. Can someone please tell me why, just because hard-working big Barb down the street can’t seem to find a man to satisfy her hearty appetite she doesn’t get as much money as the cute couple down the street who still have a copy of daddy’s credit card for “emergencies”? Yet, poor single Barb will still be paying just as much, possibly more, into this account that will be used to keep old-farts, who at least used to be married, able to drive around their cars causing fatal accidents at an alarming rate. Not to mention the increasing number of homosexuals in this country who will also be discriminated against under Clinton’s proposal. Yes, Hillary is for allowing gay-marriage but guess what, the country she wants to lead isn’t. As shown by the 2006 election in which not a single state voted that marriage is valid outside anything besides between a man and a woman (take note to the singular essence of that last phrase Mr. Warren Jeffs). If gay-marriage is ever recognized in the United States as a legitimate marriage, it won’t be anytime soon, leaving all of you U.S. citizens who have found yourself attracted to the same sex paying the same and getting less, regardless of how much bling you report bringing in on your taxes in April.
I really would like someone, anyone reading this article to please tell me why in the world anyone is thinking about voting for this woman as the democratic nominee, let-alone president of the free world. Yes, she is the first woman that has a legitimate shot at taking the White House but do you really want the first to ruin the chance of there ever being another female president? I think it is time for this country to end the chapter of Clinton/Bush presidencies. The American people are obviously crying out for something new and although Hillary has different hardware below the belt then every president before her, it will be same old story if she is elected in 2008.



Tags: Hillary Clinton, gay-marriage, president, democrat nomination, 2008 presidential election, retirement plan, 401(k), taxes

Dog Rescues Family; Cat Blamed

In Greenville, Maine a dog has reportedly saved a family from a fire that the cat initiated. The suspect, who goes by the name Princess, is thought to have started the blaze when she knocked over a kerosene lantern according to the Fire Marshal Investigator. Princess tried to blame it on the dog, but friendly purrsuasion didn't succeed this time. Rocky, the dog made a smooth move, and awoke the sleeping owner Roland Cole by grabbing his arm. Roland Cole then alerted his wife, and 7 year old grandson who all walked away unharmed. When asked how he wanted to be rewarded for his feats, Rocky said he wants it to rain bones.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Lost Dog Travels 1500 Miles

Training for an ultra marathon or just lost? Regardless, Rocky is one incredible dog. About a year ago, the dog ran away from his original owner , Becky Candia, in Ogden, Utah. That is when he took the rocky road in hopes of finding the perfect tree. The dog was first discovered by a woman in San Diego, California who contacted Candia and arranged for the dog to be picked up. But then just like Rocky the woman disappeared, and she muttered nothing. Just recently Rocky was discovered by Colleen and Marty Salgado in El Paso, Texas and was finally returned home. It's too bad Rocky couldn't have swallowed his pride and asked for directions.

Wisconsin Students File Lawsuit Against Bars For Halting Drink Specials


In news out of one of the biggest college party towns in the country, there are currently a group of students from the University of Wisconsin-Madison who filed a lawsuit against several bars in the capital of Wisconsin that stopped offering drink specials past 8 P.M. on Friday and Saturday nights. The bars claim that they were forced by the city of Madison to do so to help combat the problem of binge drinking by college students who are notorious for ingesting far too much liquid confidence. The policy has been an off and on sort of deal since 2002. What is most amusing about this particular bit of news is the fact that alcohol related crimes have continued to grow despite the ban. What more can you expect from a bunch of kids who grew up milking cows and harvesting wheat, making most of their money off of government subsidies? Not only are these kids claiming millions of dollars in damages because they have been over paying for booze but they continue to purchase the alcohol without their precious Friday and Saturday night specials and then proceed to take to the streets of Madison, getting arrested for acting like wild hogs. Boy, did they show those snobby politicians up in the liberal infested capital of Madison or what? Here’s an idea of how to get alcohol specials back that doesn’t require looking like you are completely dependent on cobra piss to make it through another weekend you won’t remember. How about taking a basic economics class in one of those classroom thingies you keep hearing so much about and learning about this free market we happen to enjoy in the land of the free, home of the brave. For all of you who don’t get where I am going, spend your money at a good old fashioned liquor store, get good and toasted before you go out to the bars to find that seven-fingered virgin you’ll bring home, spending little or no money at that bar on State Street you love so much. In time this will force bars to drop prices without having to deal with a pesky lawsuit full of lawyers and those funny looking men with hammers. Oh yea, you’ll also avoid becoming a headline in the Washington Post confirming to your parents and everyone else who helped pay your tuition that they were right, you are a drunken whore and those pictures of you doing a keg stand naked on Facebook weren’t just your friends photo-shopping your face on some poor sap that can’t ever keep his/her clothes on at a party. Then again maybe that is what the highest form of public education in this country is all about, I don’t know, you tell me.

Atlantic City Mayor Found

The mayor of Atlantic City, Robert Levy, has been found! No, he wasn't forced from the city for losing a bet, he's been playing the slots from his residence. His lawyer has reported that he checked into Somerset County Clinic, which is known for its treatment of substance abuse and mental health problems. What is this man thinking? I think people who go to a psychologist should have their heads examined. Maybe the citizens should follow suit for electing this character. It is not expected that Mayor Levy is going to return to city hall.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Yankees Lose; America Celebrates

The entire baseball community is celebrating today! Yes, it's true, the Yankees have been eliminated from the MLB playoffs by the Cleveland Indians. It's being speculated that Jim Torre, who brought the Yankees back to their 50s prominence, is most likely gone after yet another early playoff exit. This report is bogus, Steinbrenner was lying, couldn't you tell his lips were moving? What's next? Well you can be assured that the Yankees will probably try to increase their already major league leading payroll. Someone needs to tell Steinbrenner that it's OK to go after cheaper players. Going after the 25 million Mr. April Alex Rodriguez's of the world doesn't always produce a championship team. Note to the boss, "Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you." Go Tribe!

Gaylord Ostrich Killers Sentenced


Last October two drunk men trespassed onto an ostrich ranch in an attempt to impress their female friends. Who are these people, who does that on the fly? One of the birds named Gaylord, yes, this story is from San Francisco, also wanted to get the females attention. Gaylord succeeded in getting the girls attention when he kicked one of the men, Timothy McKevitt in the ribs, and in the process sending him tumbling to the ground (2 pts. Gaylord). I'm assuming that Gaylord then proceeded to do his version of the gay square dance. The other man Jonathan Porter, wasn't seen as a challenge and only suffered scrapes and bruises.

The story doesn't end there. The men were jealous of the admiration Gaylord received and went to retrieve their guns. The men ended up killing studly Gaylord. Timothy McKevitt has now been sentenced to 5 months jail, and his pathetic partner Jonathon Porter received 7 months.

Monday, October 8, 2007

300 Treated for Heat at Chicago Marathon

This one out of Chicago made me sweat. Over 300 people were treated yesterday at the annual Chicago Marathon for heat related symptoms. The marathon was canceled mid race by race officials due to the dangerous conditions that included one fatality. It must have been difficult for officials to differentiate the sick from the fatigued. Isn't a sick man and a marathon runner one in the same? Police officers used bullhorns to warn the runner's to slow down and walk. It is now a crime to run in Chicago, and we wonder why we have an obesity problem.
It should go without saying that a Kenyan won the men's race. Kenya's Patrick Ivuti edged Jaouad Gharib of Morocco at the finish to give Kenya its 5th consecutive champion. Someone needs to encourage the elite American runner's to meet these Kenyans.

In the women's race Ethiopia's Berhane Adere sprinted passed Adriana Pirtea of Romania in the last mile for the win. Pirtea had a comfortable lead in the last 1.5 miles when she started her victory celebration early by waving to the crowds. I know you're excited but can't you just wait to say hi to your friends until after the race. Adere, running at full speed, passed a surprising Pirtea down the stretch for a 3 second victory. Pirtea sounds like an alright person, who else would sacrifice a Chicago Marathon win to gain a couple new friends.

J Craig Venter Institute Creates First Form of Life From Chemicals

Craig Ventor has produced the first form of life ever created from lab chemicals. He has produced a synthetic chromosome that contains the characteristics of life. He is expected to announce his scientific breakthrough in the near future. The DNA sequence is based on bacterium mycoplasma genitalium, which lives on primate genitals. Just what we need, more monkey's itching themselves. This breakthrough in science is unbelievable. I support advancements in science that could be beneficial to society (it may be possible to create bacteria that could combat global warming among other things, even my unimpressive face), but is this ethical? Do you think life forms should be created from a test tube?

Actel Employs 8 Year Old to Evaluate Software

Moving on to a young man that uses his talents for good, 8-year-old Carson Page has landed a job evaluating software for Actel, a Silicon Valley company. Ever since the third-grader could talk he has shared an intense interest in electronics with his father. Actel was very impressed with Carson’s ability to point out its upcoming software’s strengths, weaknesses, and even how it stacked up to it’s competitors. Now, this is what I call news. Not only is this kid’s ability amazing but he and his parents seem very level headed about the whole thing. His parents want him to participate in activities with kids his own age, stay in his own grade for now, and have decided not to accept offers to enroll him in college courses citing the fact that many child “prodigies” before him stay in their own little world, never developing socially. These are the type of parents we need more of in this world, what a refreshing article. Way back when I was a young stud, I myself was quite the brain. Let’s just say I thought up the whole internet and global warming fads well before that Al Gore character was even twinkle in Mr. and Mrs. Gore’s eyes. I just never had all the resources to get it all published like Big Al. Has anyone else noticed that the bigger the “hole” in the ozone layer gets the bigger Al Gore gets? Just a thought, but man those private jets Big Al uses to fly around to his overpriced speeches used to educate all of us unfortunate inhabitants of the condemned planet Earth must have a hemi to get that fatty into the air. The way I look at it that big black book all you religious peeps love to read says that man cannot destroy the Earth, so what it really comes down to is who is more trustworthy, a man who’s married to a woman by the name of Tipper or the creator of the universe? I’ll let you decide.

10 Year Old Steals School Bus; Goes on 44 Mile Police Chase

In a story coming out of Dumas, Arkansas it seems that a 10-year-old whipper-snapper stole one of them big yellow buses that cart little boys and girls to school. The delinquent was able to elude officers for 44 miles including road spikes that were set up in an attempt to slow the bus. To make the story even better the young man was traveling at an astounding 25 miles per hour without the cops figuring out that the person responsible for the crime was 6 years away from meeting the age requirement to attain his drivers license. The kid was arrested and later released to his parents to take him home for some real punishment, or at least Poo certainly hopes so. That’s the problem with society today; kids don’t get beat nearly as often or hard as they should. I don’t have any children myself (or at least none that I know of) but boy oh boy if this guy was my kid you know what big bad Poo would do? Well, I’m not going to tell you because the last thing I need is the cops knocking on an old, single man’s door for something I wrote in my blog about children while they should be figuring out a better way to stop 10-year-olds from successfully operating the heist of a school bus. While there at it maybe the police down in Dumas can form some sort of arrangement in which they can discontinue a bus traveling at an embarrassing speed of 25 mph, let alone while it is being operated by a human being that has yet to hit puberty. Seriously, how difficult is it for a bunch of men in blue who are supposedly trained to handle almost every situation imaginable to stop a big arse can of tin on wheels that is going the speed limit!?

Friday, October 5, 2007

Marion Jones Took Steroids!! I Knew It!

Can you believe it? Marion Jones has admitted that she took anabolic steroids during a two year period starting in 1999. Yes, this means she was doping when she won three gold and two bronze medals at the Sydney Olympics in 2000. She has more testosterone in her than Hillary Clinton. It isn't hard to tell that there was something suspicious going on after viewing a clip from 2000. If she wouldn't have stopped usage after a couple years you may be hearing her name in the running for the next Mr. Universe.

Czech Baby DNA Test Proves Mix-Up

Now, here is a good story for your weekend! A Czech couple decided to get a DNA test performed to prove that they were indeed the biological parents of their child. The couple decided to conduct a DNA test after local pub goers continually ridiculed them that the child they boasted as their own wasn't. The couple, both blonde's, were harassed, because the child has black hair. Everyone was surprised though, when it was discovered that neither of the parents matched the child's DNA. It is speculated that there was a mix-up at the hospital. I'll have a whisky old-fashioned to that!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Church Deceived Me


Today I thought I found the solution I had been looking for all these years when I read a headline in the prestigious Northwest Florida Daily News that read, “Porn Sunday: Coast Community Church Joins National Campaign”. As you can imagine this really perked my enthusiasm because it combined two things every man loves, his church and his big-chested, naked women. Boy was I disappointed when I went on to read that the Coast Community Church in Gulf Breeze, Florida was joining about 100 other churches across the country to talk about the dangers of pornography this Sunday. Dangers of porn? Now those are two words I never thought I would hear together.

Cubs Steve Bartman Curse

Not only does October have Halloween it also is famous for being the month that hosts the Major League Baseball playoffs which happens to have it’s own set of curses. Now that the “Curse of the Bambino” has been reversed, the most famous curse in baseball is the “Curse of the Billy Goat.” At the center of the modern day version of the curse is none other than Steve Bartman. Chicago’s own Jay Mariotti recently reported in the Chicago Sun-Times that Mr. Bartman currently resides in the windy city. Not being a huge fan of superstition nor baseball myself, I never really could grasp the concept of this whole Bartman story. So what if a man wants to reach over the fence for a foul ball that happens to be heading right for the glove of a member of his beloved Cubbies, destroying Moises Alou’s chances of getting the north-siders to within four outs of their first World Series trip in 58 years. I thought this country of ours was free gall darn it, the man wants the ball, let the man get the ball! Mariotti ends his column by warning Barty-boy to never return to Wrigley Field again. I say, Steve, go out there, buy a ticket to your seat that no one sits in anymore, and to really make things show ‘em you ain’t no wimp and wear one of them “Go to Hell Bartman” t-shirts. Whew, October has just started and I’m already salivating at the thought of all those little people coming to my door looking for candy.

Halloween Curses

It being October what better to talk about then curses. First of all you have the best holiday of all at the end of the month, seriously what could be better than a holiday that began as a Pagan festival among the Celts of Ireland and Great Britain? That Irish nation sure knows how to live the good life. Does it get any better than a drunken Irelander passing out candy to strange little kids dressed in spooky little costumes, more-often-than-not, without parental supervision? Speaking of strangers, does anyone else find it odd that on the 364 other nights (or 365 during one of them leap year thingies, still haven’t quite figured that whole idea out yet) of the year little kiddies are taught safety precautions such as to not cross the street without mommy or daddy and especially not to take candy from strangers, yet on the night that is widely known as an evil holiday, mum and pop find it in their hearts to get their offspring all dressed up sending them out into the night to accept candy from perfect strangers. What a great holiday for the increasing number of freaks out there who enjoy the close company of little children.